To wander among the forests of memory
To re-experience the good with the bad
To judge and correct and mourn
Is to know myself again.
To dwell there among secrets I didn't know I hid
To recreate and tweak and search for meaning
To thirst and ache and long
Is to threaten disaster.
A memory, a flash of insight--
the old church, long wooden pews, red candle behind the altar flickering in the darkness, small and inconsequential below the high polished rafters, shaking from a fear i couldn't name, was it god? could a nine year old know god? what scared me? i ran, tripped, fear seizing my heart as i dashed for the heavy wooden doors
sitting in front of the bay window looking at the tennessee hills, missing my father, my mother holding me, singing, i see the moon, the moon sees me, the moon sees somebody i want to see, so god bless the moon, and god bless me, and god bless the somebody i want to see, telling me he would be home soon, holding my small hand in hers
making myself small in the unfamiliar gym, the voices of children loud around me, groups i had no part of, sitting alone by the lines of the basketball court on the polished wood, reading quietly, close to the doors so i could get out as soon as the bell chimed, missing home, missing my friends so badly it hurt, fighting tears some mornings and anger others, wishing i knew someone anyone
sitting in the parking lot of the hotel we stayed in only moments from my big blue house, my brothers getting out to go in, my mom telling me to get out, but i couldn't, burying my face in my hands to sob, never to drive among those streets as an inhabitant again, sitting in the silence mourning the loss
trembling under the organ blasts and impossibly high ceiling as we walked into the cathedral, worn through centuries of use and history and love and hate, that same fear gripping my chest, bowing my head, gasping and shaking, wondering at the beauty and the sheer size of the offering built to god, losing words
To know my mind
Is to know myself
Is to be made new and old
Is to be washed clean and dirty
Is to reconcile and ignore and forgive and forget
Is to be amazed.
